Falling
Author: Anita
Fandom: Takarazuka RPF
Characters: Tsukishiro Kanato / Akatsuki Chisei, Kazama Yuno, Umino Mitsuki
Genre: yuri, romance
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Chisei thinks she's finally found the one for her in
Kazama Yuno. Yuno, despite their year-long relationship, started
displaying worried over Chisei's tightness with Tsukishiro Kanato. But
it's normal to message one of your best friends nonstop, right? To make
it worse, the two are to spend month apart when Chisei and Yuno find a
confession Kanato wrote in the past, and Yuno is convinced Chisei was
the intended recipient. How can Chisei prove to Yuno she's imagining
things and maintain both her girlfriend and her friend who's also a girl
when it's no secret she considers Kanato the most beautiful woman ever?
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Falling
Chapter 8
As she arrived at the apartment, Ari decided she preferred to just stay there with no lights on. With the progress of fall, the days became shorter, and it had already been dark when she left the theater as soon as the play was over. She remained on the couch, sitting but with her head thrown back. Because the curtains were drawn, the light that reached inside was too dim for Ari to really be seeing the ceiling. Nonetheless, she stared intently.
What was she going to do? She missed not knowing anything; what good had it made to be aware of her feelings toward Reiko? It just caused her pain. The more she thought of the days since the kiss, of seeing Reiko and Umino closer and closer... They’d been whispering a lot too. Maybe it wasn’t really whispering, but it was that low voice that only the other could hear, as if there was a soundproof bubble protecting them. And sometimes, they’d look Ari’s way, especially when they thought Ari wasn’t noticing. As if there were a second she didn’t notice Reiko. No. Never. Not ever since that kiss. No, before the kiss maybe she had been already too far.
Shit, her eyes were stinging. She shouldn’t cry now, not now. She had no right to cry and look like the victim. Concomitantly, she did need help. She couldn’t go on alone, with all that in her head.
As the thoughts spiraled, she heard the door, a sound that could as well be called her saving grace from drowning again, and the lights went on. “Welcome back,” Ari forced herself to say to Yuno.
“I’m… home.” Yuno stared at her. Could she already perceive the disarray? Or was she just surprised that Ari would be inside her apartment.
“You left the door unlocked again.”
“That I could have guessed. But why the hell are you in Takarazuka? Did you watch the play and leave without greeting me?” she sounded hurt.
“I’m sorry.” To think that was the minor of her mistakes to apologize for that night. “I did try to watch it, but I couldn’t pay enough attention.”
Yuno had gotten to the couch and sat beside her. “Are you okay?” She placed a gentle hand on Ari’s forehead and frowned. “No idea if you have a fever, but at least you’re not burning.” She smirked.
Ari forced a laughter.
“You know,” Yuno spoke again, “I shouldn’t have felt relieved that you weren’t messaging every ten seconds. You look like shit, did you lose weight? Your eyes are so hollow too. You sure lost a few at least.” Leaning forward, she stopped inches away from her lips.
“Funny you’d feel annoyed at my messaging you. You complained all the time that I did that with Reiko-san.”
“I’d feel in heaven that you remembered me so much if that didn’t have anything to do with Reiko-san. It was pretty obvious what you were doing, Ari. A distraction to keep you from her.” Yuno’s tone was unreadable or maybe Ari’s head was hurting too much for interpreting anything. She’d been trying not to message Reiko, to show more to her girlfriend that she remembered her. Why did it upset Yuno?
“Not that it matters now,” Ari said out loud. And upon Yuno’s confusion, she breathed deep and explained, “I kissed Reiko-san.” She had weighed in how selfish it was to confess. It wouldn’t do Yuno any good, much less when she’d already been so upfront about Reiko being an issue in their relationship.
Silence met her revelation. She had no idea what Yuno could be thinking, and while dissuading herself from doing what she had just done, she’d come up with a good number of scenarios, none involved the lack of reaction she was witnessing.
“Won’t you at least say you told me so? About… how I feel. Or yell at me. Or demand I leave and never show up in front of you anymore.” Ari had no idea how that could go when they worked together, but it didn’t exclude that Yuno said it without thinking. The nothing in place of punishment was scary.
“Are you…” Yuno’s voice was low, it was as if she’d aged in that moment of silence. “Are you… together now? And you want us to end?”
It was horrible how a small voice replied in Ari’s mind that she did wish it were the case. She felt dirty that that would be her reaction when Yuno sounded in pain. She wished she could soothe her, say that it was all right. “Of course not,” Ari answered, surprised to see Yuno’s eyes brighten up. “It was just a kiss, Reiko is seeing Umi-san now.” She tried to be as truthful to the events of that fake date as she could, though it got harder and harder to remember how the kiss started. She didn’t even know if they were still in front of the bar. What she did remember, she would never tell Yuno. Reiko’s shape, flavor, warmth.
Yuno, who had followed the story without any interruptions, nodded deeply when it was over. “And what do you expect of me?”
“I don’t know anything anymore, I had no idea what to do.” She felt her body slide from the sofa until she was sitting on the floor. “Are we over?”
“Is that what you want?” She couldn’t see Yuno’s face, but the words were spoken slowly.
“No, but… I didn’t lie to you when I denied my feelings before, but I still kissed her. And I do like her.” She withheld the word love and had to swallow it before continuing, yet it just sounded wrong to just say ‘like’. “But it’s not a lie that I do love you. And that she loves Umi-san. You saw the note on that card, and even if you don’t believe in it, you’ll see how they are. It’s the real thing.”
“You were drunk, and it’s nothing new for me that you like her.” The way Yuno had pronounced the verb ‘like’ made her sure she’d taken notice of Ari’s true intention when using it before. “I can’t blame anyone when you two were in a vulnerable state. Shit happens when it’s like that, and you just gave in. I did consider that could happen any day. Ari, Reiko-san was always like this pre-existing condition in our relationship.”
“But it still pissed you off.”
“I said shit happens when you’re vulnerable. I also can’t control my feelings, this desire to be able to just cancel Reiko-san out of your mind. But of course, I’d prefer that my girlfriend loved me more than another person.”
“Did you really always know?”
Yuno also sat beside her and confirmed with her head. She leaned closer to Ari’s face and planted a light kiss on her lips. “Say again that you love me.”
“Oh, I do, Haru. I swear. And I think you’re so pretty.” Ari kissed her back, still with her mouth closed but lingering. “I love you.”
“I missed you so much…” Yuno moved to sit on Ari’s lap and kissed her neck while caressing her hair.
It was automatic how Ari’s arms enveloped and brought her body closer. Then, finally, they started really kissing. Yuno’s tongue was warm and knowingly as always on exactly how to proceed inside Ari’s mouth. But right when she was unbuttoning Yuno’s shirt, it all stopped. Yuno scrunched her face as if she’d tasted the sourest fruit and pulled her upper body away from their embrace.
Had she been thinking of how the last mouth Ari had kissed had been Reiko’s or had she just regretted her stand on the matter, she didn’t explain. “I can’t do this.”
Ari didn’t have the right to be surprised, but she was. “So, it’s a no? For us?” she asked with difficulty. Despite that being her longest relationship and all her experience in finding girlfriends, she couldn’t think of anyone else but Yuno. Of course, save for Reiko, who was just impossible and best not to be considered.
“It’s not what you think. Just… Ari, have you ever told Reiko?” No honorific. And Yuno didn’t elaborate what she’d meant either.
“Tell her what?”
“That you love her? If you’re oblivious enough not to notice your own feelings, how would she know? Also, it’s not like you’re available. You’re pulling away because she’s chatting with a coworker, but you do have a girlfriend.”
“Haru, don’t make me laugh.”
“You never told her, then. So, I can’t do this. Us. I can’t be the obstacle for your happiness anymore. Look at how you are. I don’t want to be a part of the cause.”
“You’re okay with me cheating and you insist I make a love confession to someone else, or you’ll go on a sex strike? Don’t be absurd, we’re not in some television soap opera. I’m getting on the train back in two hours, let’s not waste time, Haru.”
“Then call her now. I do think Reiko isn’t into Umino-san. I think she loves you back and maybe she already did since that card.”
“You’re out of your mind.”
“Okay, then you can call her and prove me wrong. Let’s put this in order. I’ve been feeling guilty for too long that I’m holding you back, that she won’t make a move because I’m here.”
“Haru… That’s…” Was that why she’d been so moody? “Don’t think you’re like, playing dirty with me, Reiko-san loves Umi-san. I saw it. And she did say she loved her back. Also, I prefer not to find out there was any time I stood a chance but was an idiot denying my feelings.”
Yuno got up and moved back to the couch, crossing her arms. “Call her. It’s unfair that I’m asking for a love confession, so just, like, try to find out somehow.”
“Hey, Reiko-san. My friend wants to know if you like me,” Ari joked. “Wait, there’s more. My girlfriend actually already knows that, but my friend thinks you don’t, so which of them is right? Me? I have nothing to do with this.”
“Call her.”
Ari sighed before conceding and fetching for her phone. With some luck, Reiko would be asleep. With a little luck, she’d be too busy with Umino to pick up the call. Then again, she wouldn’t know which, so Ari just let it ring, counting the seconds to be free of that. How much time did it take for it to be a missed call? Maybe thirty seconds? Maybe a minute? It felt like ten years at the very least. Because she pictured the worst Reiko could be doing instead of answering. With Umino.
“Ari?” Reiko’s surprise made her jump.
She looked to Yuno, as if she’d pop up with some script to follow. “H-hi there.”
“Hey…” There was no ‘I heard you went to Takarazuka, why didn’t you call me?’, or even ‘I wish I weren’t so busy to go with you watch Odachin’, or at least, ‘I didn’t see you all day, what are you up to?’. She’d just said, ‘Hey.’
“So…” Ari was buying time. She could hardly breathe in all the air she needed to function; she should have planned better. She looked again to Yuno, but she wasn’t there anymore. The kitchen light was on, so she’d probably moved to give her privacy. Sounds also came from that direction, she keeping herself busy for Ari’s sake.
Back to the call, Reiko hadn’t made any attempt to make her talk despite the long silence. Not even an impatient sigh.
“I’ve been wondering something,” Ari started, while her finger drew imaginary circles on Yuno’s couch behind her. “You…” She was stalling, but Reiko still gave no indication of hurrying her up. “Umino-san. I’ve been wondering about you two.”
“About us?” Reiko’s breath resounded through the call, had she meant to add something? But it never happened, and the silence returned.
“Your… your feelings for her. I think I never got to ask you directly what you feel for her.” Of course she hadn’t, she loathed having to hear the answer. However, if for Yuno this call was to give her a clean conscience, for Ari, it would have to bring an end to that story. “I’m asking if you’re in love with her. Are you?”
Reiko took her time. “It’s been great between us. You’re worried about… that night. But don’t. I told you not to think about it. It’s all fine.”
Which suggested she’d told Umino. Ari couldn’t complain, having just told Yuno. “You’re happy with her?”
“Yes, she makes me very happy. I’d trust her with my life.” Reiko sounded again about to say more.
“Do you… love her?”
The insistence had visibly taken Reiko by surprise. It wasn’t like Ari to be so intrusive when the question had already been averted. “Yes. I love her.”
“Then I’m really happy for you.”
“Are you okay, Ari? Never mind the last few days, you’re acting even weirder now.”
“I also told Haru, I’m in Takarazuka actually. Don’t worry, I won’t miss the last train. But we talked and we’re also…” She closed her eyes hard. “We’re also great. I won’t think about that night anymore, I promise. Page turned.”
It was as if she’d heard Reiko’s smile. “I’m very glad. We miss you so much.”
Much more than feeling bothered that Reiko would say the same thing as her girlfriend had that same night, the ‘we’ had gotten her.
“Is Umi-san with you?”
More silence. “Yeah… yeah,” Reiko finally confessed. “She’s not listening in, I promise. Is… Oda…”
“No, she’s in the kitchen now.”
The nervous laughter was distinct enough for Ari to hear this time. “That’s good, but I was asking about… No, I was the one who told you not to think about it. I just feel horrible for her.”
“It’s fine, I promise.” Ari wondered if that was true, but she couldn’t tell her that for Yuno nothing changed when it had already been bad. “She knows how drunk you were.”
“And what about you?”
Ari felt nausea, what about her what? Because for her it had been the end of the world and she’d have to rebuild everything. Her relationship with Yuno, with Umino, with Reiko. “I’m fine,” she lied.
“That’s right, if Oda didn’t mind that much… And she’s there letting you phone me and not even watching you… She really trusts you a lot. I’m glad, I’m happy for you, that you have her.”
“The same for Umi-san, right?” Ari let out a bitter smile, holding tighter the phone before she dropped it.
“Right, right. We weren’t really together then, though.”
Past tense. Had they officialized it since that talk with Umino?
“So… I should hang up,” Reiko said. “You’ll want to enjoy your time with Oda. Have a safe trip back.” She hung up without noticing Ari hadn’t even said bye yet.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
“It got quiet; did you hang up?” Yuno’s voice awakened Ari from the other world she’d gone to.
The cell phone was still in her hand, although the screen had already locked. Reiko had ended the call a long time ago, though she couldn’t tell how long could have passed.
“Ari?”
“S-sorry.” Ari blinked a few times and put the phone back in her pocket. “You can come.” Should she thank her for giving her privacy despite being her own living room and Yuno being exhausted from her show?
Yuno had a tray with bowls and two glasses of iced tea. “I wish I could have made you something better.”
“You… we could have gone out! Or ordered in.” The smell coming from the rice and the slices of beef over it mixed with the steam from the misoshiru.
“Not the healthiest, I know.” And she smiled with self-satisfaction. “But it could have been fast food, so deal with it.”
As Yuno improvised a table on her kotatsu—which wasn’t on but lent the perfect prop for a cozy dinner—and set it all up for the two to sit, Ari noticed how hard it had become to breathe. Too fast for her to hold them, tears streamed down her cheeks into how mouth, down her neck. It wasn’t supposed to be possible for someone to cry that much without fainting from dehydration.
“Are you crying for me? This really doesn’t look like your happy cry.” Yuno got from her side of the table closer to Ari on the floor. “Because you have to reject me after I fed you?” She scoffed. “This time I will say it, I told you so. I told you Reiko-san is in love with you. So, don’t cry if it’s because of me. Cry of happiness. I already knew everything while I prepared this. Maybe… that is why I didn’t want to ask for delivery, I had to keep my hands busy and my head out of thinking this is our last night.”
Ari couldn’t process what Yuno was going on about and neither could she engage in that talk properly. Her throat felt stuffy. Hence, she opted for shaking her head, then she swallowed as many times as she needed until she could speak again. “That’s not it… Haru…” And it got too stuffy again. Her upper body felt heavy, could a heartbreak, one she’d already expected, weigh that much? “Reiko-san… she…”
“Ari, did you tell her about your feelings? Did you really confess?”
Ari froze. Why was Yuno so on point? Every freaking time. She couldn’t have heard from the kitchen. Especially if she’d been cooking, which she’d been, for that food wouldn’t magically appear. And how to tell her that she hadn’t directly done what she had been set to do? She realized from those questions Yuno would insist she call Reiko once more. For what? For hearing all the words of rejection Reiko had already said in another form? She couldn’t. She just needed a hug, she just needed to be spoiled.
“Ari?”
“I… did,” she lied, but the rest would be the truth. “She said she’s in love with Umi-san, that she makes her happy.”
Yuno’s astonishment couldn’t be an act, she’d really been sure that Reiko liked her. “I’m so sorry, Ari…” And she cuddled Ari just the way Ari had dreamed of while coming to Kansai. “I never thought I could be wrong. You two… you always looked like something else.”
“You know how I liked her before and got over? This second time is so much worse, and I can’t even tell why. My head is spinning. It had been so easy, to just decide it couldn’t work out and move on.”
“That’s the problem, you never got over. It was easy because it wasn’t true.” Yuno kissed her lips, gently parting them, waiting for permission to deepen their touch. As Ari granted it, she felt Yuno’s hand inside her shirt, caressing her back and pulling her closer. “Your eyes…” Yuno said it brushing her mouth over Ari’s closed eyelids. “They always followed her. I’m sure she was the first thing you thought of in the morning if I wasn’t there to wake you up. You light up around her. And you become even more beautiful whenever she’s concerned.” Yuno kissed her again, painfully slowly, as if she wanted to cover every cell of her mouth.
“But it’s over. It has to be over.”
“I don’t think I can bear it much longer, either.” Yuno shut her eyes and buried her head on the space between Ari’s shoulder and breast. “I have no idea how I’d make it without you, but I don’t like how I’ve been treating you either.”
“You… I can’t even begin to say how you’re saving me, Haru. Since the kiss, those were the worst days. Thank you so much… I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate enough this, what we have. You’re my safe place.”
Something in those words gave Yuno pause. “Did Reiko really reject you? You didn’t seem willing to be clear enough, so maybe she misunderstood you.”
“She did,” Ari said with the certainty she wasn’t lying about that point, even if she hadn’t clearly stated her love for Reiko. And she wouldn’t. Reiko said she loved Umino. And the note proved that had been true for years… Just like Ari’s own feelings.
“I don’t want to think about that anymore. I choose us.” Ari raised Yuno’s head and kissed her. “If it’s true you forgive me, I want to fight for us.”
“I’d have to blame you to forgive you, Ari. I don’t.” She cast a glance downward. It wasn’t her intention but made Ari conscious of the space between their bodies. “And fighting for us is what I’ve been doing for this whole year, but I was unfair not telling you about it. So, this is the last time, I promise. You’re really sure about Reiko? You’re giving up?”
“I am sure. I am giving up.” Ari nodded with a smile and hugged Yuno, so not to thing about their distance. “Now let’s eat, all this coming clean made me hungry!” she said, but it was another lie.
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