Author: Anita
Fandom: Takarazuka
Characters: Ootori Mayu / Tenju Mitsuki
Genre: yuri, drama, romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Back in the Music School, Mayu was so in love with Mitsuki, she never saw it until their relationship was over. So many years and tears have gone by, and she wants Mayu to have her back?
Disclaimer: Takarazuka doesn’t belong to me, all events here are fictional. I get nothing from writing this story.
Notes: Story written for the Takarazuka Week, a fic event promoted by the OA Fanfics Community.
To Be Disposed of
Have you ever had break something you appreciated a lot? You pressed the buttons, you checked the batteries and even read the instructions; still the thing won’t bulge. It might make some desperate crying-like sound, it might not light up at all. You just don’t understand the reason; and yet, it is lifeless in your hands. Even though it seemed to be perfectly fine just the other day, it just isn’t there anymore. Leaving behind lots of junk for you to dispose of.
As well as the memories.
---
Many Years Ago
They were still in their first year of music school, and Mayo couldn’t help but stare at the top of her class. Every day, she spent her breaks from lessons just like that, losing her breath in place of regaining.
Tenju Mitsuki was someone who could attract the attention of many. Of course, every number one did. Even though no one had ever become a Top Star yet, if anyone could ever make it, it had to be that person. Regardless of Mitsuki ever really getting there, she had already monopolized Mayo’s heart.
Mitsuki, however, was years older than her, and as popular as she could get due to her friendly personality. Everyone seemed to enjoy her company. At the same time, there was this air of self-sufficiency to the woman. And this made it hard for not only Mayo but also anyone to become her close friends. Thus, she had spent all spring just watching Mitsuki from afar, while biting her lower lip, lost in her own reveries.
As she dried sweat with a towel, Mayo finally had the greatest plan form right before her. The woman hadn’t brought her water bottle, had she? After having watching her for so long that day, it rested clear that anyone would have drunk something already after so much dancing they all had been doing. Being the middle of the summer, their bodies were covered in perspiration. There was no way Mitsuki didn’t yearn for a any bit of water she could pour down her throat.
Suppressing a giggle of self-contentment, Mayo grabbed her own bottle and walked excitedly towards Mitsuki, shaking it along the way.
As soon as she reached her destination, Mayo stretched out her arm and offered as casually as she could manage, “Have some, Tenju-san!”
Looking back in surprise, the woman just stared at the bottle. Then, she displayed a large smile, finally grabbing the object. However, Mayo didn’t let go of it instantly. Instead, she made their fingers touch one another while maintaining her gaze fixed into the Mitsuki’s eyes. It didn’t matter how fast her heart beat at the moment, only that she finally stood out from all of the other girls in class. Only after ascertaining her intentions had been noticed, Mayo finally retreated her hand, a perceptible grin still on her.
That moment, however, it was her turn to feel flabbergasted, as Mitsuki opened the cap and started drinking the liquid in a way a stream of water snaked down her mouth, neck and right inside the cleavage of her sweaty dance uniform. Simultaneously, she upheld a meaningful gaze in Mayo’s direction.
That had been only the first step in their relationship but it didn’t take more than days until Mayo mustered the courage to invite her to walk home together. Their hands and arms rustled against one another with each step. She wasn’t just one more in the crowd anymore. And if Mayo still had any doubts, they all dissipated the moment Mitsuki finally grabbed her hand into hers in spite of the humid, hot summer.
And so that thing people call a relationship had its constructing set off by the two.
---
It was during a field trip to an onsen that control started to slip out of their hands. Until then, both had tried to be content with occasional brush of hands, secret smiles, change of looks from afar.
However, Mayo found it hard to keep it to herself when they were naked inside the unfamiliar warm water. Even though she knew that affectionate moves were a no-go in public, she still moved closer to the spot where Mitsuki seemed to be relaxing. The woman’s lips were a little dry, and her skin covered in drops of sweat, as she kept her eyes slightly closed. How could she remain so calm? Perhaps, that was her way of resisting all the temptation in which Mayo herself had fallen. If only the same could be done on her part... Now it was just too late. Already impossible to restrain oneself.
Sitting by her side, Mayo allowed their legs to touch. Instead of demonstrating surprise or astonishment, Mitsuki didn’t even try to confirm who was there. The woman just let her body be, accommodating their skins in a comfortable pressure as if they were only one. Giggling on the inside, Mayo decided to get even closer, passing her leg over Mitsuki, crossing both limbs is a way their feet rested one slightly over the other. The other party finally seemed to move, caressing her toes with her own, and putting one hand over her thigh, making it slide as far as Mayo’s knees, then back on again. As a response, Mayo held this hand tightly and let her head fall a little toward the other woman.
No one had seemed to notice such intimacy. That one time.
Of course, their attraction to each other would only keep growing sturdier. Notwithstanding how many gossips might ensue.
Well, one silly rumor wasn’t a bother for either, anyway. It hurt less than containing their feelings all day long. That was surely much more excruciating; Mayo’s chest grew tight every time they had activities far from one another. In all manners, they weren’t really the only probable couple in the class. Girls are mean and like spreading told-tales about anyone but themselves. Mix forty and you will have at least thirty-eight different tittle-tattles per head.
For Mayo, it didn’t matter how many fingers or snorts the rest threw their way; nothing would be worse than not having Mitsuki right by her side. That relationship was theirs, and no one could damage such a precious article. Thus, Mayo was so lost in her feelings, she never stopped to think that, in the connection both had built, cracks could as well come from the other side.
It was unbearable. Hearing Mitsuki put an end to what they shared was cuttingly unbearable.
Even though the wonderful thing they could built together had seemed perfectly fine just the other day… in a blink, what she held dearest in her heart just wasn’t there anymore. Except for the lots of junk left behind for her to dispose of. Alone.
Worse, without her Mitsuki.
---
End of 2012
What was her kenkyuu number?
Despite Mayo repeating year after year to herself that she was through with it… They had broken up close to the end of the music school, making each increased ken a close count of how long had already passed.
They needed to keep progressing, Mitsuki had told her then. Rumors would only delay their promotion. Couldn’t she see their freshmen? They had bright kids, hopes of the whole theater. If the two continued to see each other, neither would ever get anywhere.
No matter how many times Mayo had protested, their broken relationship never moved again.
In addition to them graduating from school, each was eventually sorted into a different troupe. Things has been easier that way indeed but, whenever she saw the woman around, her heart would beat fast and her hands would sweat. Secretly, she had wished they hadn’t been separated, so the reencounters wouldn’t make it so transparent how she still lingered around that non-working device.
After as many years as she had been a takarasienne, how could that woman? How could Mitsuki try to redo things?
Mayo stared incredulous at the Mickey patterned bottle the older woman offered her. The same one she had forgotten to bring that very first day, when Mayo’s bottle finally gave their relationship a start? No, this looked newer but it was so similar… Hadn’t she known better, she would never guess.
“What is that?” Mayo managed to ask, still not averting her eyes from the object.
“Have some, Mayu.”
The same words. And Mitsuki’s expression proved that she was very aware of that. After those many years, the way the woman approached her without a very good reason didn’t have to be same words Mayo had chosen when making their first real contact. Yet...
“I’m not thirsty,” Mayo answered curtly, turning her eyes back to the rehearsals.
It wasn’t the first time they were picked to be in the Takarazuka end-of-year special performance. Of course, each event that had brought them together inside the theater was painful. This time, however, Mayo had been so prepared to ignore her and just concentrate on the few numbers she had that she had even forgotten Mitsuki was still around.
“C’mon, I know you don’t have a bottle there. I was noticing...” Mitsuki offered her a smile—a very meaningful one—while placing the object on her lap.
She soon returned to the girls from her own troupe.
---
Mayo had finally spotted Mitsuki’s blond hair as she walked down the hallway with a couple of friends. How did she dare spend the whole rehearsal session throwing glances and secret smiles, just like time had turned back again? That was what she wanted to ask the woman, instead she just pushed her by the arm and deposited the Mickey bottle back in her hand.
“You forgot it, Tenju-san.” After saying so, Mayo gave a polite greeting to the other people present, wondering how many could still remember all of the rumors that had torn the couple apart. And just how many had taken part in creating them?
Finally, she walked toward the exit.
“Wait! Mayu!”
“Mayu is my Top Star, Ranju Tomu-san,” she promptly replied, never diminishing her pace. Not that there was such a rule for calling their similar names.
“Could you at least listen?” Mitsuki took her by the wrist, making her stop. However, she never let go, using the opportunity to reach her hand and caress her palm.
It tickled. She knew it did.
“Don’t touch me.” Mayo was sure if her previous attitude hadn’t, this had managed to give away the scars that remained.
“Give me a chance. You can’t punish me for something I did when I was just a silly child.”
“A child? We were two grown-ups. And that was how we broke up, like grown-ups. Don’t throw away excuses, Tenju-san.”
“It hurts me when you call me that way... It is like we were never—”
However, Mayo didn’t allow her to finish. “For you to leave me because of that, I was never truly in your heart, was I?
She couldn’t stay to hear more lies. Time had passed, she was over that. Why had that woman gone so far as to bring her more pain? Well, maybe that way was easier to give closure at last. If the person she thought to have loved that much was capable of being as vicious, then Mitsuki deserved her hatred.
But even in her thoughts, she sounded petty blaming Mitsuki for feelings that were beyond their date of expiration.
---
Leaving the theater, Mayo had to gulp down her tears and show a smile to the women that awaited the takasiennes to take pictures. That was the love for which their love had been the price... She had to appreciate it well.
Such peace didn’t last, as she felt a touch to her shoulder.
Without any need to confirm who it was, she turned abruptly and vociferated, “What are you freaking doing? Just don't get near me, don’t touch me!”
“I told you I want to make things over.”
“And I don’t. Just like back then when you were the one who didn’t want it.”
“Why?”
“Nothing changed. I really don’t get you.”
“You still have feelings for me though.”
“That would be reason enough to stay the hell away from someone like you. I can’t trust you.” Petty, still petty. Yet, so sincere her mouth felt bitter.
“Please, at least listen to me. Why resist when we are both still...” She seemed to swallow for a moment, then continued, “Back then, I had to. People kept staring, they didn’t even whisper anymore. What if it turned into bullying? What if your whole career ended right there?”
“Mine or yours, Tenju-san?” At this point, Mayo was already bawling. Having spent the whole day singing, her throat felt hurt.
Once more, the woman touched her arm, pulling her through the streets and sending shivers down her spine.
“Let me go!” she complained to no avail.
Looking determined, Mitsuki led her as far as a deserted alley adjacent to the railway.
“What are you planning to do?”
“You can’t just keep shouting like that in the middle of the street,” she replied in a calm demeanor.
Subsequently, Mitsuki got even closer, pushing Mayo’s body against the wall. Their clothes brushed one another, and the sheer contact made her arm hairs rise. Mayo turned her head to the other side.
“Don’t worry, I won’t touch you anymore,” Mitsuki reassured her, letting her arm free. “Just listen to me.”
“Make it quick, it’s late already.”
“I did it for you. Back then, people were really talking, including in the other class, Mayu. Don’t you remember when no girl wanted to talk to us properly? When we had any doubt during the classes, they would never explain anything. Even messages from teachers would get lost. You were scolded big time for that, right?”
“It was so silly I don’t even remember. For heaven’s sake, it was TMS! We were scolded for anything back then. And you were the one trying to stay at the top of class, not me.”
“I know... I know I made it sound it was my problem. But, think straight. Even when I said so, you tried to dissuade me. What if I said I was just trying to be the grown-up?”
“And still, you say you were just a child then.”
Mitsuki rolled her eyes. “I was. No real adult would try to be what he already is. Right?”
“Don’t go playing the smart ass on me.” Mayo rolled her eyes too. A tint of shame colored her cheeks for that.
In any case, she was unable to remember any further about that time, so she attempted to, at least, escape from that position. However, the very moment she stepped to her left, Mitsuki put her leg in the way. Never touching her, as promised.
“Why now?” Mayo asked, her voice cracking.
“Because I can’t wait anymore.”
“Wait? How can you say that right when I start to feel better?”
“I thought that maybe one day you would get there. Or that perhaps we would leave the theater and could just be ourselves. By ourselves.”
“How can one buy that crap? Just let me go, Tenju-san.”
“I’ll just ask one single thing then. You need to let me prove I’m honest. Or you prove that you’re really set on resisting what you still feel for me.”
“I’m not so dumb to return to a relationship that was never solid. You know how doing the same thing the same way is the definition of stupidity.”
“Then look into my eyes. Don’t ever look away before I’m finished. And don’t worry, I will not touch you.”
Was she speaking the truth? Would she really forget all of that nonsense and let things go back to their places? Resisting the urge to just run away from whatever was Mitsuki’s plan, Mayo hesitantly nodded. At last, she fixed her eyes into Mitsuki’s. Just this left her on verge of tears. She gulped.
Mitsuki nodded back with confidence, then approached her face. That moment, it was as if her eyes were about dive into Mayo’s.
‘It will all be over soon,’ Mayo repeated inside her head. ‘Very soon.’
But that was just the beginning.
Taking a deep breath, which tickled Mayo’s lips when exhaled, Mitsuki said very softly, “I love you.” Her stare remained on Mayo’s direction, never faltering.
After holding her breath, Mayo noticed she had survived despite the irritation around her eyes. It was over. She was free. That broken thing that the relationship was could perhaps be finally be thrown in the closest garbage.
However, the other woman’s eyes seemed to say no the moment that thought crossed the youngest’s mind. What was she planning to do? She wouldn’t steal a kiss, right? Mitsuki herself had set the rules. And it would kill Mayo if she didn’t follow them. The strong will time had formed inside her heart couldn't resist that much.
Without averting her gaze, Mitsuki continued in a different, firmer tone.
“I love you. I love you. I... love you.” Each time, not only the tone would change but also the speed and the volume of her words. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” Mitsuki took another breath, then smiled softly. “I love you.” Now her smile faded and her face turned expressionless. Perhaps unreadable? Still, she repeated tenderly: “I love you.” Finally, a tear appeared in the corner of her eye. Her voice failed as she said one more time: “I love you.” And she paused.
Trying hard not to avert her eyes, Mayo observed the path the tear rolled through the Mitsuki’s cheek. Mayo’s lips trembled as she fought back with all she had not to say anything in return. It wasn’t like any voice would come out anyway, even if she tried.
Even though Mitsuki seemed about to continue, she ended up shaking her face a couple of times, which broke their prolonged eye contact. By this time, a few more tears had followed the others’ fate. One rolled down her neck.
At last, Mitsuki stepped away.
“Be careful on your way home, Mayu,” she said with her voice faltering, her shoulders down. “It’s late, we should go.”
---
When something you hold so dear breaks, you try all solutions. You press the buttons, check the batteries and even read the instructions. And, because that thing is so important to you, when you are left with nothing but junk, you can’t simply dispose of it. Instead, you just keep it somewhere hidden enough for you not to be reminded of its dejected fate, and safe so nothing else will make it even worse than it already is.
However, one day, its lifeless form will materialize right in front of you again. You might just be spring-cleaning, maybe moving, or even trying to finally put it where it should belong: away from your life. Still, there it is again, for you to confront with the inevitable that all things shall pass.
You know it’s broken. You may remain feeling the pain in your heart from the loss, even if it has been eventually replaced with a better one. Nonetheless, you still check the batteries, the manual. You still press that button one last time, to make sure that nothing has changed. It is not that you believe a miracle will happen but that you want to ascertain you did everything you could to have it back.
So one day the regrets can be disposed of.
---
Beginning of 2013
For the Rising Star Guide of 2013, the theater had chosen four girls from the 81st generation, and decided that two from those would get to present the guide in a special for the cable channel. Mayo wasn’t really good in Math but she knew there were around six possible combinations among them in this case. This didn’t include the possibility of having just one girl, or even someone else mixed with the oldest class featured.
So why the hell was she paired with no one less than Mitsuki?
They hadn’t spoken since that day. Of course, they still met during the special but it had been all so stressful those two days, it had been impossible to even sight Mitsuki, aside from the times she was on stage.
One could say that had been for the better, as Mayo had failed to decide whether to trust her. Inside her heart, however, a growing pain had established and made her regret how useless she had been that last evening.
Mitsuki actually said she loved her. Ten times, she had said those three words. Of course, they were all actresses; and she was a very skilled one. At first, Mayo had even wondered whether it was Mitsuki’s intention to use her otokoyaku power or something to conquer her back. Silly. Even that person couldn’t be so convincing when they were talking so close. That love was true.
The same thing Mayo had doubted over and over during the few years apart, was reassured ten times to her face. Yet, she hadn’t been able to react.
Why had she been so fixedly trying to pull away from Mitsuki? That was the question she had asked while breaking down right there and crying the moment Mitsuki left. Mayo couldn’t even recollect properly how she made home afterward.
Trust... a small, resentful voice answered more than an hour later. Truth was that it had been more than to question the firmness of Mitsuki’s feelings; Mayo just couldn’t trust herself anymore when it came to that woman. She was too afraid of the next time.
But the look Mitsuki had given her as she let her free from that position... Maybe she hated her now. Even if she had had any hope of Mayo contacting her that night or the next day, after a month of silence...
And how could she? What if it broke again? She wouldn’t survive. Even though she was now older, the hurt had been so severe that thicker skin hadn’t grown around it yet. The open was still there, panging more than ever.
Geez, what was she to do now?
The moment the recording was over, Mayo felt all of her body collapse from thinking so much. Her head fell forehead until her chin hit her thorax. This was not good.
Mitsuki was still sitting next to her right, talking to the production and checking whether they had to redo anything. Her cologne...
Scratching her head, Mayo looked up. The extra lights were already off, and people now moved noisily around the set. Soon, it would be too late again.
Weird... Back then, she had been the first one to chase after Mitsuki. Now, she just felt too weak.
A bottle of water popped up in front of her, and Mayo was about to thank the assistant when she noticed it came from her right.
“Chii...” she let slip, along with the tears in her eyes. Mayo looked up at Mitsuki.
“Isn’t that a senpai from some other troupe?” she asked, frowning deeply.
Covering her mouth with both hands, Mayo shook her head once. It had been a slip of tongue of how she used to call the woman before. So many years, and yet her body still remembered exactly how to pronounce that secret call. Feeling abashed, she apologized in silence but took the offered bottle.
“Thank you,” she uttered in her weakest tone of voice.
Mitsuki squatted before her and seemed to attentively watch her drink for a while. She finally said, “You know I was just joking, right?”
“What?” Mayo felt her hands sweat. Was this how she was going to undo what she had said that year? Even though it had been for real, she’ll now pretend it was nothing but a prank?
“About my name.”
“Name?”
“The way you called me right now.” She smiled. “If you thought I joked about what I told that last time, there is no way it could be a lie, Mayu.”
Feeling her cheeks burn, Mayo averted her eyes. Reluctantly, she returned the bottle of water. There was nothing to keep Mitsuki there anymore.
In shock, she noticed to be contemplating the broken device kept insite her heart for such long time. It was right there, in front of her, as if wondering whether it would finally be thrown away.
Nevertheless, it was something so dear, she couldn’t just do it without making sure she had tried everything again.
Thus, she finally pressed that button one last time. “I love you too, Chii,” spurted, while letting her hands go of the bottle.
Mitsuki tilted her head a little upon hearing the confession. “You shouldn’t be saying those things with so many staff walking around, you know?” she said, displaying a silly smile. Her face, however, was tinted in a light pink. “This was how we lost control the last time.”
Mayo felt an itch on her cheek before noticing she was actually crying. Mitsuki grabbed her hand before she could use it to wipe her own face, and led the younger to a more secluded place.
“I’m so sorry, Chii... for not trusting you, me, us...” she whispered under her breath, as their heads got closer.
“Shhh. Let’s not wait any longer. I wouldn’t be able to. I thought I would die when after a whole month you still hadn’t decided to give me another chance.” Mitsuki held her hand and caressed her, brushing her tears, messing up her hair.
“You... were waiting? You didn’t hate me?”
Shaking her head negatively, Mitsuki brought her own face closer and spoke huskily:
“As if I could! Even you, who had many more reasons, wasn’t able to really hate me. How would I? Should I try to repeat a hundred times next? I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you! I love you. I lov...”
Unable to hold her feelings any longer, Mayo threw her face against the woman’s and started herself the passionate kiss for which she had been waiting. Their lips could finally touch each other after those endless years.
Right there where the two joined, the thing Mayo thought all that rested for it was to be thrown away, started working again. Perhaps, time can really fix even what seems broken beyond repair. Then maybe, the two of them were the only ones capable of such a miracle.
THE END!
Anita, 23/05/2013
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