Author: Nemui
Fandom: Saint Seiya - The Lost Canvas
Characters: Athena Sasha, Sagittarius Sisyphus
Genre: gen
Rating: G
Summary: It is the first night Sasha spends away from the orphanage. Being away from her family and from the life she used to know could not be more painful. She desires, more than ever, to return home.
Notes: Story written for the Saint Seiya Athena Fortnight, a challenge sponsored by the Saint Seiya Super Fics Journal community.
I believe it is not necessary to explain, but here goes: -san: suffix indicating respect. -sama: suffix of respect towards someone of a higher rank. niisan – older brother.
She felt herself small in that world. They walked towards a city, the last one of her known universe, where they would spend the night. The next day, she would give a huge step into unfamiliar terrain, which was much larger than her homeland. If she were ever to return, it would have to be from there.
The man named Sisyphus asked a room for her at the counter. He fished the money out of his wallet, which was packed full of bills. Sasha waited, as a good girl she was, near the room’s aisle. When he was finished, he came towards her and pointed to the last door at the end of the corridor.
“Your room is that one. You need to rest well so we can resume our walking tomorrow. I am going to prepare your bath and I will call you as soon as it is ready.”
It was a small room, somewhat clean, much better furnished than the orphanage. There was a window facing the moon and the mountain. At the bottom of the landscape, the village in which they had spent the afternoon looked like clustered dots of light.
She wanted to go back home. If she went back home now, she would meet her brother, Tenma and the children one last time. Certainly Sisyphus would come after her and snatch her back. But if she could prolong her former life a bit longer, she would be happy. Who knows? Maybe he would give up if he thought she was too much of a hassle.
All she needed was to jump out of the window. It was a one-storey house and the window was close to the road. At that time, the children of the orphanage were dining. Probably there was so little food that they would all go to bed hungry. How was Alone doing? And Tenma? She wondered…
She kept imagining her escape and the hiding places she would use so not to be found until she reached her village. She really wanted to leave, to escape reality through that window, to cut the freezing night and reach her bed at the orphanage. But the outside world was like a pitch-black carpet and she was under the impression that if she stepped out there, her feet would be swallowed up by nothingness.
“Sasha-sama? It is ready.”
The opportunity was gone. Maybe she would leave after bathing. As soon as she left the room, she got a towel from him. She went to a separate room, meant only for the guests’ hygiene. Sasha undressed, folded her clothes and left them in a neat pile over a chair. The water temperature was perfect.
“Sir, don’t you also want a room for the night?”
It was the innkeeper’s voice.
“No, thank you. If I may, I will stay in the hallway. “
Escaping from the hallway was out of the question. More than the escape route, it was Sisyphus’s decision that made her afraid. Wouldn’t he sleep as well? If he did not sleep for the entire trip, it would come a time when he would collapse from exhaustion and she wouldn’t know what to do.
After bathing, they went dining. Usually dinnertime was an uproar. The children of the orphanage never stopped talking. Sasha felt uneasy at the clink of cutlery in the stillness of the inn. They were probably the only guests there.
“Sasha-sama… The food is not to your liking?”
She was so out of it that barely noticed the food on her plate. She had been playing with the pieces of meat and vegetables and scantily led them to the mouth. She smiled, not wanting to seem ungrateful to Sisyphus.
“No, it’s delicious!”
He did not seem pleased with her response. Sasha found him very strange. Sisyphus sometimes seemed indifferent, sometimes worried. Sometimes he acted as if he belonged to a higher rank, sometimes as if he were a servant. Now he behaved like the latter.
“Is that so…? Please do not neglect your health.”
Not that the food was bad, it was just that no one of the orphanage was there to share it with her. It was not fair. Why she had to be adopted? She did not mind staying with Tenma and Alone, even if she got sick and starved. They were the only family she had ever known.
At that, the pain returned. Her eyes burned and it was difficult to suppress the pain of losing her beloved ones. But no, she did not want to look weak in front of others. She should be happy for being adopted into a home that had financial conditions to support her. To an orphan, luck was finally getting a home. Children who failed to get a family often ended up miserable.
“I know it is hard,” said Sisyphus, handing her a handkerchief. “But try to be strong.”
She accepted it and tried to suppress her sobs. It was hard. If crying was an act of releasing accumulated sadness, bridling everything for the sake of a social façade was to become sadness itself. What Sisyphus asked of her was too much.
A breeze broke through the window next to them, calling their attention outward. From that angle, you could see the sky dotted with stars.
“Our fate is traced by the stars,” he said. “The master found you through the stars and told me to pick you up. Today, their position changed a bit, which means that my actions have changed the preordained future… Look.”
She did not understand much when he began talking about stars. To little Sasha, they have always been in the same places.
“Sagittarius is out of place. And so are the other stars. I cannot see much from here, but after I went to get you, some things changed in the threads of destiny. Your fate must have changed as well. Even if they move a millimetre, the entire future may change. I wonder if your sadness is also preordained by the stars.”
“What the stars tell you about niisan and Tenma?”
“I do not know. It is not possible to know it. We cannot know everything from them.”
“But my fate you can see?”
“Yes. Because milady has a mission that is very, very important. Inside you, Sasha-sama, lies a power that is far greater than the greatest power amongst the strongest men. And your duty is to lead the most powerful men in the direction of truth and justice.”
“I’m only a child. How can I pull this off alone?”
“You are not alone. My mission is to take you to the place where you belong. There, you won’t be alone.”
Sasha cowered in her chair, afraid. From what she could gather, her future was far greater than herself. She felt like a small fish fallen out of the bowl into the immense ocean, unsure how to survive. She wanted to go back home. She wanted so much to return to the orphanage! She wanted to return to that cozy little place where she did not know fear.
“The place we are heading to is called Athena’s Sanctuary. It is a sacred place at the same time it is a fortress. There, the goddess Athena reigns. Milady is the goddess Athena of this era, and it is by that name that I will call you when we get there. Beside you stands the master of Sanctuary, who is the religious and military leader when Athena is not present. And below them there we are, Athena’s saints. We are warriors whose mission is to serve the goddess and fight for her ideals.”
“Then are you a warrior, sir?”
“Yes. I am the Sagittarius gold saint. In the Sanctuary, there are three categories of saints: bronze, silver and gold. Altogether there are 88 saints, each protected by a constellation. The gold saints are in 12, protected by the constellations of the zodiac. They are the elite of the army of Athena.”
That explained why he spoke like a servant and at the same time it was hard not to obey his orders, always given in a smooth tone. It was someone who was accustomed to obey and command.
“Do I have to guide you all?”
“Yes. You are our supreme leader.”
The certainty of his words frightened her. Sasha felt more comfortable obeying than commanding, because he who commands is also responsible for the wrong decisions. A girl who knew nothing of warriors could never lead them without making a lot of blunders… She was not a leader of anything!
“But I don’t know anything… Isn’t the master the one who gets to be the leader in my place?”
“Well, it happens that the goddess Athena is not only the goddess of justice, but also of war. I know that somewhere inside you lies the ability to lead. In addition, the master and the saints can help you make your decisions.”
It was too big of a world to her. She did not expect to become an adult so soon. And if she were an incompetent leader? And if everything went wrong because of her? With what face then would Sisyphus look at her? All that faith they had in her could just as easily be broken, right?
“But what if it all goes awry? And if everyone starts hating me for it? I can’t do that … I can’t be Athena!”
Noticing she had raised her voice, Sasha fell silent and began crying softly. He could never understand this feeling of insecurity, could he? Away from her friends, away from the orphanage, travelling with a man she had just met and heading to a place where she would have to become what she definitely was not … She did not know what the future held for her, the present did not offer her stability and her past was doomed to oblivion… It felt like jumping off a very high place without knowing if she would reach the floor alive. All she wanted was not to be there.
She hoped that Sisyphus would reply with a rehearsed speech along the lines of ‘do not worry, everything will be alright’. Instead, he pondered over her fear as a possibility. He smiled and said quietly:
“If everything goes wrong and everyone starts hating you, even then I will be by your side. And I am sure I will not be the only one.”
Listening to that hurt. It meant that saints were people who suffered with her and for her. It was sad to think that not only she had to lead, but also see other people sacrificing themselves for her. It hurt thinking that others would suffer because of her.
“I don’t want that. I don’t want anyone to suffer because of me…”
There were a few seconds of silence. Sisyphus rested the cutlery on the plate and sighed.
“I cannot convince you of anything different. I won’t say that the fate laid before us is not difficult. But Sasha-sama… it is not that much different from the fates of other people, living in other places, from other walks of life. Relationships like we see between parents and children, brothers, friends… are difficult and painful too. And it is this mixture of affection and pain that makes them special. Sadder than seeing others suffer because of us is not to have anyone for whom to suffer. This is the kind of life that I do not want for you, milady, because it would hurt me as well.”
If he was being sincere, what he said was proof that he cared about her feelings. But nonetheless, he still forced little Sasha to go to that place where there would be no happiness for her.
“Sisyphus-san, why don’t you let me go back home?”
“I have explained to you already… since the Holy War will start soon, your life would be in danger in that orphanage. And not just your life, but the other children’s too. If you were to return there, you would put their lives at risk.”
“I can’t go back… ever?”
“No.”
“And the pain I feel now is… good or bad?”
“That… is for milady to decide.”
“Me?”
“Yes… If it hurts, it is proof that you love your family. If this pain is good or bad is not for me to decide. Each person deals with their feelings differently… I know it is not easy, but understand that this is not exclusive to milady, who is so special. I am talking about something that happens to everyone. We all have responsibilities and sometimes they force us to do… terrible things. Fighting the pain it brings us is something that varies from person to person. But these are things that we have to deal with to move forward. The important thing is to move forward, despite it all. In order to do it, you need energy, Sasha-sama. If you want, I can talk to the innkeeper and ask for something you like… You need to eat.”
“No, it is fine! The food is fine.”
Actually it was not that the food tasted bad. Still, it was difficult to make it past the throat. Sisyphus was saying clever things but nothing he spoke of brought her comfort. Not one of his words gave her the firm ground she needed. Maybe because there was really nothing that could make her feel better.
“I also did not want it that way.”
There was regret in his expression. He seemed to be a good person, though. Sasha finished eating and stood up.
“I’m going to my room now!”
“Ah… Do not lie down right now, it is unhealthy.”
“OK. I just need to be alone for a while.”
She returned to the small room. She heard Sisyphus’s voice talking to the innkeeper, but could not understand what they were talking about. Not that it mattered. The fact remained that he was taking her to a place far from home and there was no turning back. She had to go back home, at least once.
She noticed that her room was cleaner and that a lamp burned quietly on the table. Sasha wore her best coat and carried the lamp towards the window. The ground, though dimly lit, no longer seemed so scary. She did not intend to stay long at home, for she knew that Sisyphus would come looking for her. She just wanted to see them one more time, to prove to herself that it was possible. She climbed on the windowsill, took one last look around and jumped out of the house. She had to go back to her brother, Tenma and the others.
The wind tore about merciless. It was winter and the temperature then should be close to zero. But when she arrived at the orphanage, Alone would lend her blankets and she would sleep soundly in her bed. Her bed. It was hers and nobody else’s. It was her home, and she needed to go back.
She walked hiding behind the trees. If she was lucky, Sisyphus would not notice her through the window. He was probably too busy looking at the stars or chatting with other adults. She needed to seize that moment, because it would be the only one. She walked and walked, cowering at shadows and animal noises, hiding here and there, praying that all went well.
She managed to reach a very small village. It was mostly in ruins, but there were some poorly maintained houses that could serve as shelter. Since the wind was very strong, Sasha decided to spend the night there and continue the next day. Sisyphus could not look for her in that many places since he was just one person. In one of the houses there were still some beds.
Sasha climbed into one of them. It was a very rustic bed, much like the one she had in the orphanage. Cold, she curled up under her coat, which was not enough to protect her from the freezing temperature. She recalled the time when she lived on the streets and the cold she felt on winter nights. Alone would always comfort her with a beautiful drawing.
Sleep came shortly. She was home. She knew she was dreaming, but was relieved to be back at the orphanage. Everyone woke up together and prepared the breakfast. There were some loaves from the previous day that they got from the baker. There was also some milk. Tenma was as rowdy as ever. The younger children were messing around, while she tried to put some order in the house. Everyone was happy because there was more bread than usual. Sasha was happy just by being with them.
It was a beautiful dream. She wished she had stayed there forever. But she woke up when the sun glided through the cracks of the old hut. She felt warm. She realized she had been crying during her sleep because her face was wet.
“Did you sleep well?”
Startled, she sat up in bed. Sisyphus’s coat and a blanket fell to the ground. He was by her side, sitting on the floor with a worried countenance.
“Sisyphus-san … Why?”
“Your presence disappeared from the inn. It was not hard finding you here. Use this, it is cold.”
The coat was very warm, and so was the blanket. But his hand was as cold as that morning.
“I thought about carrying you back to the inn but… This hut… it is very similar to your orphanage, is it not?”
True enough, it was a lot shabbier then the inn. At the same time, that bed and that ruined hut resembled the orphanage she loved so much. She had not given it much thought, but the truth is she sought out that place because she needed to feel safe.
“I couldn’t notice it at night.”
“These things do not cross our mind at first. Shall we go? Before, we need to stop by the inn to pick up our stuff.”
He must have been suffering with the cold, but he did not utter a single complaint. He did not scold her, he did not tell her not to run again. Sasha expected to be punished for being naughty, but nothing happened. They returned to the inn and it was the owner who complained.
“You gave us a huge scare! You can’t go out alone at night! It’s dangerous! “
“It is fine,” said Sisyphus. “She knows that.”
And nothing more was said about her escape. She had done something stupid. Probably she would do many more. She should not become a goddess. She was too small to cope with such a great responsibility!
When they left there, Sasha would step into a vast land without possibility of return. Any chance of escape died there. In the end, she was so small that she had failed to go much far. She felt helpless.
Sisyphus’s hand was still cold and the hairs on his arm stood on end. He was suffering in silence. She gave him back his coat.
“I am no longer cold.”
“Thank you, Sasha-sama. Shall we? “
“Yes…”
She wanted to go back home. She wanted, more than ever, to return home. But if she ran away, he would get her back on the road. If she hesitated, he would pull her by the hand. He had no words to comfort her. There was nothing to give her security. A part of Sasha hated him. Another part forgave him. The world of the orphanage, which had protected her for so long, had been exchanged for another, much larger and much harder. There was no room for fantasy, just reality. There was only one road to follow, and he took her to a place far, far away from her childhood days.
Shortly after, his hand got warm again.
That warmth gently swept her away for ever.
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